A Warden's Silent Burden
by kyeri
Summary: Elissa and her companions stop at the Spoiled Princess during their search for the Urn of Sacred Ashes. After holding in her pain for so long, she sneaks away with her sorrows to let herself break - when Alistair sees her he only wants to comfort her.


_This is one of several one shots I did towards my take on the Elissa Cousland story. I'll see how this one does and maybe I will post the others. :) Enjoy._

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The stop at the Spoiled Princess was much welcomed by everyone, especially when it had been decided to get out of Denerim as soon as they had visited Brother Genitivi's home and stocked up on supplies. Genitivi's house was in a total disarray with an overly nervous "apprentice", he called himself. She really knew something was up when she approached the back room where the door was barely cracked and foul stench of death crept though.. and she couldn't blame Alistair when he struck the man down after he drew his knife on her unsuspecting back. The corpse of Genitivi's real apprentice lay bloody and mangled beneath a thin bed sheet in the corner of that back room – the reason of the man's sudden attack. Before they had to kill him however, they were lucky enough to get from him that Genitivi had been heading the Lake Calenhad.

Elissa had let Leliana and Wynne collect what they needed after the visit to the scholar's house, and took Alistair to do something she'd promised they would when they reached the city. She had promised the man they would visit and give him the chance to meet his older sister, Goldanna. A mouthy wench was all they found, a gold-digging one at that. Even after allowing him to give her fifteen sovereigns, the bitch had the audacity to tell him it wasn't enough! Alistair just kept taking her insults and that bothered her even more – he had to gently grab her hand and lead her from the woman's home when Elissa finally decided to speak and threaten to cut the woman's tongue out. No one spoke to her Alistair like that, not even his long lost bitch of a sister.

Genitivi and Goldanna had not been their only disappoints however. She had been looking and asking the entire time in Denerim, but no one had seen or heard of anyone fitting Fergus's description. He had not been in Lothering and he had not been here in Denerim. Did he even make it out of the Wildes? Had his party been slaughtered by the darkspawn during the attack on Ostagar? What if he made it out and went to Highever before hearing of its fate … did Howe get the chance to…

Elissa had decided that with the amount of disappointments Denerim held for them, it was best to leave and rest once they reached the lake. Some had already retired to their rooms, though when she slipped outside Alistair, Oghren and Zevran were still talking and drinking their ale. Sometimes she wondered how the dwarf drank as much as he did and was still able to walk, let alone fight as he did. Oghren drank twice the amount of Zev and Alistair put together.

Outside, she passed Shayle – who stood, staring quietly out towards the glistening waters of the lake. On a normal evening, Elissa would stop and speak with the golem, perhaps comment on how her new crystals made her shine. Shayle did always seem to like being complimented on them, deep down Elissa knew the heart of a dwarven woman still dwelled there. There was the shuffling of rock before a gravelly voice asked, "Is it well?"

"Hmm?" Elissa turned to look at Shayle with a faint, sad smile and nodded. The golem had noticed her failure to speak with her before going on about her business. She figured that it would relish the fact Elissa had decided to leave her alone. "The journey has me tired, is all. Could I ask you something?"

"If it must."

"Do you remember anything about your family? You know, as a dwarf.."

"This I do not remember." Shayle answered with a heavy shrug. "I am not sure yet if it is a good thing or not."

"I think I understand what you mean. I'll leave you alone now."

"Very well." She replied, attention turning back to the waters.

Elissa wandered to the lake's edge and took a seat on top of the damp grass. She hugged her knees close to her chest and sighed deeply. Even still, with all she had gone through, it was still hard for her to believe this was her life at all. Though, she had met great companions and friends and fallen in love with a wonderful man – something she never thought possible – she had lost so much. Her parents, sister and nephew were all dead, her home lost, her dear friend Rory was most likely dead with them all.. and Fergus…

"_Where are you?"_

A tear slipped down her cheek and a shaky finger rose to wipe it away quickly. It felt foreign – to cry. The only daughter of the Cousland house had always refused to cry and very few had actually seen it happen. Duncan had been one of those few when she silently cried, clung to her Mabari the night of the attack. It had been the first and last time she had allowed herself to cry over that night, to allow herself to break. She knew there was nothing she could do about it – she was a Grey Warden now, it was what her father wished of her, so that she could survive. Now she would have to save Fereldan. How could she do this when she couldn't even save her family?

/

When the wooden door creaked open and slammed shut, Shayle heard the murmuring of the ex-Templar's voice and shifted her attention to him when he almost stumbled into her. "Oh. Shayle. Right, sorry. Didn't see you there?"

"Perhaps it should pay more attention." Shayle replied dryly, turning away. "I do not understand."

"What's that? That I could not see you? I suppose I should be wondering that my—"

"No." She cut him off. "I know it is soft and squishy like the complaining one.. but I have never seen it show any weakness of its emotions."

"Right. Okay then." Alistair looked oddly at the golem, raising an eyebrow. He followed where her attentions laid – Elissa sat off in the distances, facing away. He thought she had gone to bed, what was she doing out here and alone? "Are you talking about El?"

"Yes, I speak of it. It acted unlike itself and said it was tired. Then it asks me of family." The golem explained. "It has cried for some time now. I am unsure what to think."

_It cries? SHE'S crying?_ After a step or two closer and a long, curious look, he saw it. The slightest shiver in her shoulders, fingers rising to wipe harshly at the falling drops upon her cheeks. Shayle was right about one thing, Elissa had never once showed such an emotion in front of any of them. None of them were even sure if it was in her to break apart and cry – even knowing with all that she had been through before becoming a Warden.

Elissa had asked Shayle about her family, he was sure the golem probably told her she did not remember – whether it be truth or not. She didn't speak of her family much and had only done so once before to him. He knew Wynne had gotten her to speak about it once before but she did not fall apart or show any signs of deep sadness and the elder woman said she worried that Elissa was bottling it up. But she had been their fearless leader, keeping all of their heads high and making her decisions without a second look back. She was there to keep them all going strong and never looked to them to when her mind was feeling heavy. Why did she not come to him when she was so upset?

As he quietly approached her, he began to hear the signs of her cries – the sniffles, the occasional shaken moan from her lips. Alistair softly called out her name. She took in a sharp breath and froze with closed, still streaming eyes. When she heard her name again, with his sweet and concerned voice, she tried to suck every inch of the sadness back into her. Impossible, but she was able to force the tears to stop.

"A-Alistair." Elissa was slow to stand from her spot on the grass, trying to inconspicuously wipe the wetness from her face. She knew she would have to face him and hoped he wouldn't notice her bloodspot eyes and blotchy skin from her crying, though she was also unaware he already knew she had been there crying. "Are you through drinking with the boys? You guys deserved some fun _guy talk_ so I figured I'd wait out-"

Alistair was suddenly in front of her watching her with sad, almost hurt eyes. His bare fingers gently cradled her chin, urging her to look up at him to inspect her grief filled face in the full moonlight. He had already known. "Elissa.."

"I-I'm fine.."

"You don't have to hold up like a brick wall around me, Elissa." He told her softly, fingerly combing through her copper hair. "You know I love you right?"

She did. He told her often enough, he _showed_ her every chance that he could. Why could she not bring herself to show her true emotions in front of him? He did to her, he spoke of anything on his mind to her .. he had spoken of Duncan, the other Wardens, Arl Eamon, how he felt about his bloodline. Could she not trust him with the same? It was so unlike her, she rarely even cried in front of her own mother.

Her mother. How she wanted Elissa to be a good girl, wear pretty dresses and jewels and flirt with the handsome noble boys. How she wanted Elissa to marry and become a Lady of some great importance. Her mother would never see her marry, never meet grandchildren – if even she were lucky enough to live long enough to have a child. She closed her eyes tight and allowed the tears to flow once again.

"Maker, why them?" she cried under her breath. Alistair wrapped his arms tightly around her and pulled her close against his chest. Her hot tears soaked into his white shirt, her sobs muffled into his chest. Elissa let it all out, more then she had even done in the silence of being alone. She had pushed it back for so long, she was unsure if she would be able to stop herself from crying.

But, there were the soft whispers of his voice against her skin, the feeling of his fingers brushing through her hair and the warmth of his arm wrapped tightly around her waist. It took her a while, but she finally managed to pull her composure back together and she stood there quietly in the man's strong arms. While nothing had changed, she felt a huge weight lifted off of her shoulders. As if the intense crying upon her lover's shoulder had helped her feel better. Though, she did not understand how crying made any situation _better_. It was nice, however, to trust someone to see her in such an invulnerable state.

"Alistair, I-" He hushed her with the lightest of kisses on her lips, then traced her jaw line with a finger.

"I am here for you always, my love. Please remember that?" Elissa nodded at his request. "I'm sorry you felt you had to deal with it alone this long."

"Please, don't worry yourself with it." She tried to push it all from her mind; she could not keep going on and fighting the darkspawn with such depressing thoughts plaguing her thought. On her toes, her lips reached the lobe of her companion's ear – they brushed lightly against it as she whispered to him, "Perhaps you could help take it off my mind?"

"I think I can do that." There was a sheepish grin on his face, knowing just what she meant. Since their first night together, they had both decided there was no reason not to spend any of the rest of their nights together with the future so uncertain. There was no reason not to love each other until the day that the good Maker called for them.

"It no longer weeps." Shayle dully pointed out when the couple approached the golem and the door into the tavern. "It confuses me, sometimes."

"Were you worried about me?" Elissa asked, embarrassed that the golem had also caught her in a moment of weakness.

"Perish the thought!" She instantly denied, but there was a playful tone to her voice.

"Of course." She smiled widely before bidding Shayle goodnight and dragging Alistair through the door by his arm.


End file.
